8-Bit Geek

Search Engine Chili

This is named "Search Engine Chili" because once upon a time I had no idea how to cook chili. (Ok, so I still don't.) To find out how to cook something resembling chili, I scoured Google for various recipes and took pieces of them here and there and this is the result. Thank you Google.com!

Disclaimer: This chili's heat is medium. I don't know how to make it hot without making it very bitter. Sorry. I'm no Iron Chef.

  • 1 to 2 pounds lean ground beef
  • 2 cans (15 oz.) tomato sauce
  • 2 cans peeled diced tomatoes (approx. 15 ounces each)
  • 2 cans chili hot beans
  • 1 can dark red kidney beans, drained
  • 1 can light red kidney beans, drained
  • 1 can pinto beans, drained
  • 2 chopped onions
  • 1 chopped green bell pepper
  • 4 medium cloves garlic minced
  • 5 serrano peppers
  • 5 habanero peppers
  • 2 teaspoons ground cumin
  • 3 heaping tbsp. chili powder
  • 1 heaping tbsp. finely ground cheyenne pepper
  • 1 tbsp. salt
  • 1 tsp. black pepper

Brown beef. Drain well.

Mix all ingredients in crockpot. For best results, put ingredients into the crockpot in this order stirring thoroughly before proceeding to the next set of ingredients:

  • tomato sauce (Don't stir the tomato sauce, dumbass.)
  • seasonings & peppers
  • beans
  • vegetables
  • beef

Cook on low with lid on for 10 to 12 hours stirring once every 4 hours to prevent burning. Remove lid. Stir thoroughly. Continue to cook on low while sitrring regularly until desired consistency is reached.

Notes:

To make this a mild chili, remove the serrano and javanero peppers. You may also wish to reduce the amount of chili powder and ground cheyenne peppers. Whatever you do, don't remove the chili powder and/or cheyenne peppers completely or you'll lose some significant flavor!

The canned diced tomatoes come in multiple varieties. The two most relevant to this recipe are chili-ready diced with jalpenos and regular ol' diced tomatoes in tomato juice. If you use any-variety of chili-ready diced tomatoes, do not drain before adding to the chili. If you use non-chili-ready tomatoes in juice, drain before adding to the chili or you will get a very strong tomato flavor that overpowers the rest of the flavors.

To make this a vegetarian chili, substitute each pound of beef with one drained 15oz can of beans of your choice. If you use chili hot beans, do not drain.

If you make this a vegetarian chili for any purpose other than getting down someone's pants, I will hunt you down and beat your scrawny ass.